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I write a journal with personal reflections since I’m 7.
Life was never easy, but to have a space where I could reflect and write about my whereabouts and my feelings certainly made things clearer to me.
Some people call it journaling, writing in a diary, that kind of stuff. Although self-authoring is quite different, in my opinion. When you have a journal, you can just write observations about everything- about yourself but also everything that surrounds you. Could be stories, reflections, experiences and the like. With self-authoring, you are going a step further. You open up to think -and- write- about who you think you are: You go to the depths of your being, as uncomfortable as it is.
You are able to rip yourself layer by layer like an onion. With every depth you reach, the pain comes closer and closer. Most people give up by the second or third layer. We like to see ourselves as inherently good people and all we believe must be the truth. But is it really?
When a close friend reaches success and is doing fantastic and you feel jealous about it, what do you do with that jealousy? Do you confront it straight into the eyes, or do you hide it below the carpet, and pretend you feel happy for his or her success when deep inside you feel quite miserable?
The madness of this world is not easy to digest, because we don’t like to see the part we play in it. If we suffer a social crisis if the world is “mad” is because of the wrongdoing of others but not because of my own actions, right? Well, we are as guilty as charged in contributing to that madness. How so? By our own virtual signalling, by pretending to be morally superior and suppressing our darkness.
Allan Watts once said “The reason you want to be better is the reason why you aren’t”- this has a profound meaning. I think this phrase alone describes the tragedy of our civilization.
What does it mean to become better? Better than what? Why would a flower, a deer or a wave in the ocean pretend to become “better” than the other? Who or what defines what is actually better?
Self-authoring, which means, writing, reflecting and looking at yourself in the mirror with all of its untold truths- is what has kept my sanity all these years. To be able to write who I think I am in a raw sense of things- not pretending I am good, or right or wrong. Simply observing, documenting, reflecting. Yes, I feel jealousy. I feel scared. I feel sorrow and I feel lost. On paper, I cannot hide it to myself. I have to confront the judge. So, you feel miserable. Why is that so?
Yes, you feel jealous and resented that your best friend is doing much “better”. Why is that so? Is it helpful? Is it meaningful?
Confronting our own demons, and our own miseries are our main task in this human existence. Then and only then, we will be able to really see the light. You cannot recognize light unless you come from the darkness. That’s a way to come in peace with ourselves, with others and with our destiny.
I believe in becoming more human, not a better human, simply more human. To keep our feet on the ground, our hearts wide open and embrace everything that comes with our human experience.